Answer 1

When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

Answer 2

A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack & Jill. However, Both Jack & Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.

So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma.

"Hey Jill, I have a problem."

"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks

"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"

"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"

Answer 3

A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked. "You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says. "Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?" The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

Answer 4

What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A liar

Answer 5

Two people is a twosome

Three people is a threesome

That is why they call me handsome ;)

Answer 6

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Tell them you can't cum.

Answer 7

Jim: I hear there's a sperm bank in the castle?
Reggie: Yeah. I guess it might not be so bad to be blown to Kingdom Cum now...

Answer 8

A father tells his son to stop jacking off. "You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says. The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."

Answer 9

A penis was placed into a latex glove

And it felt soooo good

Answer 10

How did Pinocchio know he was made out of wood?
He got splinters on his hand after masturbating.

Answer 11

If masturbating was a crime I would be on death row!

Answer 12

If moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday

Answer 13

I got to get in that Moro Islamic Liberation Front!

 

Answer 14

Little Johnny walks into his big brother's room and finds him masturbating.

"What are you doing?"  says Little Johnny.

"I'm making man-gravy," says his brother.  A few moments later, he squirts his load onto his chest.  Then he gets some tissues and starts to clean it up.

"You said you were making man-gravy," says Little Johnny.  "How come you made it if you're not eating it?"

"Well," says Little Johnny's brother, "man-gravy is a lot more fun to cook than it is to eat."

Answer 15

Husband: Honey, I'm stuck up here on the roof. I need some help getting down.
Wife: Tommy, can you come help your Uncle Jack off?

Answer 16

Masturbating comes in handy!

Answer 17

A girl is watching porn while mastrubating.She's having a great time until she orgasms. :D

Answer 18

What do you call a 90-year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

Answer 19

What do you call a bull that masturbates?
Beef Stroginoff

Answer 20

Why did the wood truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.

Answer 21

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker

Answer 22

A 13-year old virgin discovers masturbation. After doing it several nights in a row, her only complaint is: "Every time I stick my hand in, I pee all over myself!"

Answer 23

Doctor: You need to stop masturbating.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!

Answer 24

Masturbating is for dicks.

Answer 25

A 12-year-old boy is going to summer camp for the first time.  He's clearly very nervous as his mother's car pulls away.  His camp counselor, seeing that he's very nervous, tells him, "Don't worry.  You can ask me anything.  Is there something that's bothering you?"

"Yes, there is something I was worried about," the boy says.  "How can I masturbate?"

The camp counselor is a bit taken aback, but he starts to explain.  "Ok, first you get an erection..."  And he carefully explains the whole process, describing what an erection is, possible grips to use, lubes, speed, ejaculation, and semen cleanup.

The boy listens very attentively and then says, "But how can I do it at camp?"

Answer 26

"I can't beat masturbation! It's sex with someone I love."

Answer 27

How did the mother know her daughter was masturbating during her period?
She was caught red-handed.

Answer 28

Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong pair of socks.

Answer 29

If a man jumps on you, would you beat him off?

Answer 30

Answer 31

Y'know, masturbation jokes rub me wrong way.

Answer 32

98% of men masturbate. the other 2% no hands

Answer 33

What is the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Answer 34

"My family was poor when I was growing up. Luckily I was born a boy so I had something to play with..."

Answer 35

If Jack was stuck on a horse would you help Jack off?

Answer 36

What's the diference between an egg and a wank ?

YOU CAN BEAT AN EGG

Answer 37

"My problem is that my computer won't connect to the internet," says the guy.

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "All right, follow these instructions carefully.  First unzip your fly--" And she gives him detailed instructions to jerk off, right until he unloads.

"Did that solve your problem?" she says.

"Well, my computer still can't connect to the internet," the guy says.

"Oh, did you think this was tech support?  You have the wrong number."

Answer 38

I WAS SEXUALY ACTIVE AT 12 , ITS NOW 12:30 AND MY RIGHT ARM IS KILLING ME

Answer 39

When do guys usually jerk off?

Whenever they can!

Answer 40

What is a yankee?
The same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.

Answer 41

teacher. when two things rub together thats called friction, it makes it hard to rub things together,me. so thats why we need lube!

Answer 42

'' sorry mom I came unannounced ''
'' that's ok, that's what your father did, that's why we had you. ''

Answer 43

Why is semen like money?

Because neither is any good except when you're getting rid of it!

Answer 44

A man buys some cheap lunchmeat.  He tries making a sandwich with it, but it tastes so rubbery that he doesn't want to finish the sandwich.  But he has a thought:  could it be used for masturbating?

So he takes the remaining lunchmeat and wraps it around his cock.  Sure enough, it's warm and soft and just the right texture, and he shoots off with the greatest orgasm of his life.

So the next day he goes to the store to buy more of this lunchmeat, but it's not there.  He asks the deli attendant about it, who says, "Yeah, most people say that that lunchmeat tastes pretty rubbery, so I don't order very much of it.  You'd be just about the only person who buys it.  Get here early if you want it."

So he gets to the supermarket as early as he can.  Sometimes it's there, and when it is, he takes it home and has a good time with it.  When it's not, he uses his hand.

One day, he sees an old lady buying the lunchmeat.  He blurts out, "So you're the one who's been buying my rubber vaginas!"

She looks at him right in the eye and says, "No, young man, you've been buying my dildo wraps."

Answer 45

A dumb person who wants a wank - he gets a bar of soap and tissue paper - instead of hand soap and tissue

Answer 46

What's the difference between you and your wife's vibrator?

She doesn't make the vibrator sleep on the couch.

Answer 47

A guy with a small cock who likes to jerk off into condoms has a hard-on, unrolls a condom on, and starts stroking.  Only a few strokes in, and the condom starts smoking.  The guy doesn't stop--after all, when you've got your hand on your cock, there's not much that can get in the way of that-- and the condom keep smoking.  Soon the smoke forms itself into a man standing by the guy's bed.

"Thank God!  I thought I was going to have to stay in that thing forever!" says the genie (because it was a genie).  "No one ever buys the small condoms.  I'll give you three wishes."

The man, whose only thought is on what's going on between his hand and his cock, says, "I'd like a bigger cock."

Foosh!  His cock doubles in size.  It feels amazing.  He's enjoying jerking off the whole length of it, and he thinks, well, two is better than one, right?

"I wish I had two cocks like this," he says.

Foosh!  He's got two massive cocks, both rock-hard, and he jerks them both off like he's skiing.  The pleasure is incredible.  And he thinks, well, can't I do better...?

"I wish I had genitals that could give me the most pleasure a human is capable of experiencing," pants the man.

Foosh!  The penises turn into a vagina.

Answer 48

How is a road trip like masturbating?

Because the journey is fun, the destination is great, but the souvenirs you're left with are worthless!

Answer 49

What's the difference between semen and a porcupine?

Semen feels a whole lot better as it exits your body!

Answer 50

There once was a sailor named Brame
Who shot with such force when he came
That it went clear through the wall
And straight down the hall
And made the captain and crew all go lame.

Answer 51

What's the difference between good and great?

Good is 2 tissues; great is 4 tissues.

Answer 52

What is the difference between a 69 and a 68?
you give me head and I owe you one!

Answer 53

What do guys do at night after they jerk off but before they go to sleep?

Jerk off again!

Answer 54

A gay guy is cruising in a gay bar. He finds a hot guy, they...

Answer 55

Answer 56

My wife's skin looks like a million dollars... wrinkled and green!

Answer 57

A man stands on the bathroom scale sucking in his stomach. Wife:...

Answer 58

Why is ET short? Because he has little legs!