Answer 1

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Answer 2

"I asked my mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me."

Answer 3

When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.

Answer 4

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

Answer 5

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Answer 6

If there's a best man at a wedding why doesn't the bride marry him instead?

Answer 7

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

Answer 8

Everybody lies but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Answer 9

I'm not myself today... I think I'm you.

Answer 10

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

Answer 11

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Answer 12

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Answer 13

"Indecision may or may not be my problem."

Answer 14

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Answer 15

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Answer 16

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Answer 17

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are their doors locked?

Answer 18

Help wanted at dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Answer 19

How is it that Tarzan doesn't have a beard?

Answer 20

If you can't read this you're illiterate.

Answer 21

Did you hear the joke about the roof? Nevermind, it's over your head...

Answer 22

There are three kinds of people in this world... Those who can count and those who can't.

Answer 23

Too many of us are spending money we didn't earn to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't like.

Answer 24

I'm good in bed. I can sleep all day.

Answer 25

"My dream job is driving the short bus."

Answer 26

"I spent a lot of time in juvenile detention because I was born at a very early age..."

Answer 27

Who throws out the bouncer if he's drunk?

Answer 28

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Answer 29

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Answer 30

Two wrongs do not make a right but three lefts do.

Answer 31

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Answer 32

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Answer 33

Throwing broken glass is wrong in some people's eyes.

Answer 34

I used to be a people person... but people ruined that for me.

Answer 35

Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it!

Answer 36

Does anyone here have a giant catapult? No? Well, it was a long shot...

Answer 37

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go!

Answer 38

An old lady wanted me to check her balance so I pushed her over

Answer 39

I was wondering why the spider was getting bigger, then it bit me!

Answer 40

Make love and war... Fuck your enemy!

Answer 41

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers ; )

Answer 42

What's the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? "See ya!"