Answer 1

Attorney: Is your appearance today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I normally dress when I go to work.

Answer 2

Attorney: Can you describe the individual for us?
Witness: About medium height with a beard.
Attorney: Male or female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town my guess would be male!

Answer 3

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: I don't know. Are you qualified to ask that question?

Answer 4

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them! It doesn't work well with the live ones.

Answer 5

Attorney: All of your responses must be oral, ok?  What college did you attend?
Witness: Oral...

Answer 6

Attorney: So your baby's date of conception was September 23rd?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid!

Answer 7

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?!?!

Answer 8

Attorney: Your youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20. About the same as your IQ!

Answer 9

Attorney: How did you know the defendant was committing a crime?
Policeman: We received an anonymous tip.
Attorney: Who gave you the tip?
Policeman: You must have me confused with a psychic.

Answer 10

Witness: Then he said he'd have to kill me because I could identify him.
Attorney: Did he kill you?
Witness: No!

Answer 11

Attorney: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Witness: She's my daughter.
Attorney: Was she your daughter on April 21, 1984?

Answer 12

Attorney: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes, I was.
Attorney: Before or after he died?

Answer 13

Attorney: I have a man here who says you did fire that shot.
Defendant: If he says I killed him he's lying!

Answer 14

Attorney: Do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Just 4 times.

Answer 15

A jury is a group of 12 people who determine which client has the...

Answer 16

Why do they ask you in court if you swear to tell the truth? If...

Answer 17

Confucius say... Woman who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

Answer 18

You know you need a new lawyer when he warns a hostile witness...

Answer 19

What is the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? The...